More Excuses In More Places ©
There’s been a lot of rumbling over AT&T’s wireless network, with particular emphasis on iPhone users’ data hogging and Verizon’s supposedly superior network quality. AT&T customers have some valid gripes over the lack of network investment, and those of us who have been with AT&T and/or Cingular for years and now use 3G “dumbphones” are definitely miffed at the dropped calls and voice mail notifications after no-rings. Fortunately, some of us don’t need to be connected 24/7. We realize we’re really not all that important in the grand scheme, and intelligent enough to comprehend that a little unavailability can go a long way to making life that much better.
With that in mind, I’ve assembled the top five reasons you should WANT to be on AT&T’s wireless network…
- You’re playing hooky, and going fishing. On the way to the river your boss calls, asking why you are not in the third “Kum Ba Yah” meeting this month on how to cooperate with your fellow employees so they can get promoted on the back of your work. You start your response with “I’ve got a lead on…” and then simply hang up. When you return to the office your boss accuses you of avoiding them. Your retort: “I was headed into an impromptu meeting downtown, and I use AT&T.” To top it off, you were actually taking that lead fishing for the day. They have a banner outing, you get a big contract from them, and get promoted instead of those cubicle critters.
- Your mother-in-law calls. You don’t like your mother-in-law, so you hang up on her mid-sentence. If she calls back and asks you why you hung up on her you just say “I was walking into Target to buy some toys for the kids, and I’m on AT&T.” She doesn’t believe you because she hates you too. So she calls your spouse with a mind to bitch, but your spouse is actually in Target buying some toys for the kids. That call drops, meaning you’re safe because you doubled down on AT&T.
- You have this client from a couple of years back who continues to call for advice. Repeat business is good, but each time you mention a new retainer, they say they’ll get right on it but never do. Good thing you’ve got AT&T. Take the next call, cordially, and ask them a few deep questions about their business. In the middle of a particularly insightful one, hang up. They’ll definitely call back, because they think you work for free (and you’re good). Throw out another brilliant question, and at the beginning of their response, hang up again. They’ll soon cut you a check, and won’t forget to mention the wireless network they use. You then thank THEM for the advice.
- Your ex keeps calling you. You’re a bit non-confrontational, and don’t want to hurt their feelings either. If you don’t pick up the phone, they just keep calling. So you answer instead, generate small talk for 30 seconds, and then hang up. You do this several times, and after each exclaim “I’m really sorry” and divert the blame to AT&T. They offer to put you on their family plan, but you decline with sympathetic tones regarding their need to budget appropriately in this tough economic climate. They are soon telling their friends you are a wonderful, caring person, and things simply didn’t work out.
- You actually are a pretty important person. People love you, and you’ve maxed out on your Facebook connections count. Your phone rings off the hook, and an unlimited texting plan is a must. You enjoy this life, but sadly you live in a state where hands-free cell phone use is mandatory while driving. One day you’re scooting down the road, making plans to meet many of your many friends for happy hour, and a cop stops you and writes you a ticket. You show up in court. The judge says you’ve been charged with violating the Cell Phone Use While Driving Act. How do you plead? Not guilty, of course. When the judge asks for your reasoning, you state “That’s simply impossible, your Honor. Because I’m on AT&T!”
Disclosure: “More Excuses In More Places” is copyright under a Creative Commons License. Any likeness to actual tag lines is simply random chance (kind of like completing an entire phone call using AT&T Wireless). All logos are the property of their respective carriers.