How to drastically increasing your website’s bounce rate in three easy steps

Step 1: Construct salacious headlines that are sure to attract visitors to your pages

Step 2: Embed video content on your pages (near the top if possible), making sure that the video player is set to start automatically upon visitor arrival*

Step 3: Wait

*Extra, really important note – You can enhance the bounce rate even more by stuffing a really stupid, contextually irrelevant pre-roll ad into that video content and making sure the volume on the player is set at maximum by default. Additionally, if you don’t have any video content, try an auto-starting audio player – it is nearly as effective.

MG signing off (waiting for someone to tell me I’m not alone)

An old fart’s dream soundtrack for a flyfishing video

I’ll first apologize to Mr. Buffett (and all the islanders). I love ya’, and acoustic guitar and steel drums certainly fit the bonefishing motif. But I was hell bent on selections that would really get the blood pumping, since that’s precisely the reason I flyfish in the first place.

Not necessarily in order of appearance…

1 ) Ramble On – Led Zeppelin
2 ) It’s A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock N’ Roll – AC/DC
3 ) Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith
4 ) Enter Sandman – Metallica
5 ) Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crue
6 ) Rock Rock Till You Drop – Def Leppard
7 ) Paradise City – Guns N’ Roses
8 ) Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction
9 ) Living After Midnight – Judas Priest
10 ) Gator Country – Molly Hatchet
11 ) No More Tears – Ozzy Osbourne
12 ) Even Flow – Pearl Jam
13 ) Unchained – Van Halen
14 ) Behind Blue Eyes – The Who
15 ) You Can Still Rock In America – Night Ranger

I’d had venues in mind when I cooked this list up, but I’d rather leave them to the imagination. Thoughts?

MG signing off (to burn a tweed jacket, a creel, and some panda food)

Rivers In Motion’s The Madison (and my mind’s now on fast forward)

Watching stunning video of trout-laden water may be hazardous to your health

The folks at Dry Fly Media were kind enough to send me one of their Rivers In Motion Fall Series DVDs, The Madison. I’ll preface my reaction to watching/listening to 80+ minutes of moving water by saying I am not the type to sit still – hence my mobile phone bills are ‘ginormous’, the carpet in my office has a path worn through it to the floor, and my gasoline consumption during the season exemplifies my propensity for trout-induced motion (wildly erratic casting stroke notwithstanding).

Thankfully, Dry Fly Media took care of the ‘still part’ for me by mounting cameras at the Madison River’s edge, me thinks to leave the viewer pondering how many trout were lurking just under the surface. I suppose whoever is watching it is supposed to feel peace and serenity (or increased fly tying efficiency), but it did not have the intended effect with me. Upon plopping the DVD in my laptop, I skipped directly to chapter two (“Ennis Bridge Afternoon”) – thereafter I spent roughly five minutes with my nose pinned to the screen thinking there had to be at least one piggy brown laying in the quiet water right around that bend on the far side of the river. It would surely and violently pound a #2 black bunny the moment the streamer hit the water.  It’s a good thing I didn’t have a rod close by or I might have broken my display trying to cast to it.

While I was alternating between hastily assembling a gear bag for a yet undetermined trip and banging my head against the wall because I wasn’t actually standing in the Madison that very moment, the fly fishing PSYOPS masters at DFM decided to change venues and throw in a nasty surprise. Now I was staring at McAtee Bridge on an overcast late afternoon, and there was one lucky bastard fishing upstream. “Get out of my hole you jerk,” I screamed. I then started hoping someone in the film crew would jump that guy, only to realize my feet were warm because I was actually perched in front of an Apple Cinema instead of on a soggy bank.

Please fast forward to springtime!


It is a known fact that there are no trout living above Three Dollar Bridge,
so please move along (some folks have cabin fever, don’t ya’ know).

Despite the grandeur that Dry Fly Media is purveying, I’m going to pass this video on in another of my silly fly fishing trivia contests (i.e. I really love the DVD but it’ll likely drive me crazy before April so I have to get rid of it – and permission has been granted to do so). Again, it’s first come first serve, assuming you answer all the questions correctly in the comments. The questions may be tricky (so read closely), and they are ordered by increasing difficulty:

1) Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer’s dog can’t cast a fly rod (as far as I know), but Jag might have fun chasing what?

2) Who first declared that dry flies were the only fly worth throwing? Where and when was such insanity proclaimed?

3) What type of trout, now endangered, once thought the Bear friendly?

4) Name two flies Lee Wulff invented, other than the Royal Wulff. One must be ‘square’.

If you’re unsure about your answer, explain. Additionally, this absurd quiz is limited to residents of the 50 states (i.e. I’m not shipping the prize to Timbuktu, and your DVD player probably couldn’t view it anyway…sorry). And make sure to leave a valid email address with your posted answers so I can get a hold of you should you turn out the winner.