My blog is sooo busy!

Blogging is an endless struggle for attention. Not many people get that attention, and some only get it from the same folks who they are providing attention to (in other words, they create a big “circle jerk”). Bloggers will use every excuse under the sun to make you think they are big, bad and bold, when in fact they are as obscure as the rest of us.

Among the signs that a blog is unsuccessful (read: full of shit)…

– “I’m changing my layout to suit my readers needs” – when they should have said “I’ve been using a prepackaged style sheet because I don’t know CSS, and I think all these high-powered bloggers’ success is highly correlated with their beautiful graphics”; they will soon come to the realization that Adobe Creative Suite costs a mint, that their design friends are too busy to help (because the masses cannot afford Adobe CS), and they’ll wind up with an even crappier style after trying on their own.

– Using terms like “my host” a lot – “My host” means “Blogger”; they’ve masked the fact with their own URL (purchased at GoDaddy for $4.99) so you think they have a server to themselves; readership is too ignorant to know better.

– “This blog is really busy” – should be “I’m a political blogger with absolutely no original thoughts and I know it – everyone commenting on my site is just like me – we just finished toasting our link around at Drink Asininely.”

– “We just received our first advertising partner” – actually, Google just approved their Adsense account after 400 emails back and forth, arguing a lack of content and/or a consistently broken site due to faulty HTML tags; get ready for “ad slather” (the use of “we” to make you think they are just one step behind Daily Kos).

– “We are changing blogging platforms, because MovableType is too slow.” – this means PageRank = 2 and Alexa ranking is unrecordable; even though Hugh Mcleod and Glenn Reynolds are still using MovableType, the blog owner has run out of excuses (“we” used in this context means unemployed webmaster – since CMS went open source).

Of course, if you are Nick Denton, founder of Gawker Media (a guy who understands the economics of blogging) you don’t conjure lame reasoning – you simply restructure.

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