I’ve decided to take a break from traditional winter sports to spend more time (what else?) fly fishing. So I have a little beer-induced pow pow with my friendly neighborhood Craigslist wunderkind Tim, and he gives me some tips on how to unload my finely tuned cliff-hucking gear (and then passes me a card for a really good hip replacement surgeon just in case I back out).
I dive head first into the anguish, and my gear was sold in
24 48 72 hours flat…aw hell, some of the stuff is still here. Here were the ads anyway…
The Dead Sexy K2 Ambush Snowboard Sale
I walk into the doctor’s office with my board under my arm and start talking about all the butt kicking I was doing on the mountain three years ago. The doctor says … “Damn dude, you’ve got a huge potbelly. Bruce Willis’s chick in Pulp Fiction might have thought potbellies were sexy, but on you it means you’ve gotta get off that bad agent snowboard you’re riding and hit the treadmill.” Then he adds “By the way, you look like a chump nowadays, but potbelly or no potbelly, your ride is dead sexy.”
It sure as heck is. It’s a ’05/’06 K2 Ambush in all of it’s 164 centimeters of glory. It’s been ridden precisely seven days in three years by someone who once had game, but who has since been told they’ve been living on the edge for too dang long. It’s got a few scratches on the top, but the base is mint. Edges? Mint. The brand new looking stomp pad and the Christy’s discount tuning sticker that they slapped on it the day I bought it are still there. Like my doctor said, a chump rode it.
You however are not a chump. But if you want a stick that limps along when your posse says jump then DO NOT EMAIL ME! If you want a board that says “I’m a huge tool who rides like a sissy” then DO NOT EMAIL ME! If you want the world to scream out to you when you are heading off that drop with a loud “CHUMP!” then DO NOT EMAIL ME!
If you are anything other than the kind of person described above, then you should email me. The board is great.
Take this board off my hand before I hit my doctor with it!
The Bikini Models Are Expensive Burton Cartel Binding Sale
You might be looking at these bindings and thinking to yourself “who is this cat kidding?” But the fact remains you’d be doing yourself the dis-service of all dis-services (with a capital D-I-S) if you didn’t read on.
I bought these Burton Cartel bindings three years ago, and the moment I walked out of the store I got a date with a bikini model. I carried them down to the coffee shop, and got another date with another bikini model. On my way home a bikini model crashed into my truck just to ask me out on yet another date.
Between the two cups of coffee I drank at the shop, the fender I had to repair, and all the dates with bikini models, I’ll be damned if I can afford a ski pass anymore.
On a less serious note, the bindings were ridden exactly seven days by someone with game. They are near mint. They are also more adjustable than the adjustable seating in your Merc, and even more adjustable than the adjustable seating in the Merc you don’t drive. However, as a rule of thumb, don’t drive a Merc – they just attract bikini models. And with those, you won’t have a dime to buy these bindings. These bindings will give you hours more pleasure than even a multitude of bikini models could ever hope to offer anyway. And I promise the bindings will cost you a lot less!
Bindings come with all the mounting hardware, as well as plates for 3 and 4 hole boards.
The Shaq Attack Burton Driver X Snowboard Boots Sale
Shaq was twittering the other day, so I send him a direct message as follows:
@Shaq – What shoe size are you?
Shaq pings back:
@Dude – Size 14.
@Shaq – Hmm…you wouldn’t you be interested in a pristine set of Burton Driver X snowboard boots in size 8.5?
Shaq answers back:
@Dude – Are you kidding me dude…those boots are comfy with a capital C. And they’re stiff as all getup, and the chicks love ’em!
@Shaq – But you wear a size 14 and these are a size 8.5.
@Dude – I don’t care if they are size 2 for infants – I want ’em!
Shaq then proceeded to give me some bull about sending him these kick butt boots COD. Meanwhile, Xcel was knocking at my door to turn off the heat, some Quest guy was hanging from a pole in my yard turning off my phone, and the Denver Water man was trying to pour cement in my sewage pipes to stop that service. I told Shaq I couldn’t roll with COD, and he suggested I put them on Craigslist.
A man has to listen to a dude with size 14 feet, because a butt kicking is something you don’t want from them. Buy these boots, which were ridden exactly seven days by someone who once had game, and the only person that is going to be doing any butt kicking is you.
Shims are unused too!
END NOTE: I’m hereby tossing my other ambitions out the window, and becoming
an outdoor sports equipment ad copywriter … a script writer for Saturday Night Live … how ’bout a technical writer for the Financial Accounting Standards Board?
END END NOTE: The bindings disappeared quickly, proving once again that even the illusion of sex sells.