Tag: websites

Alex Landeen Does Blog

Master photographer of all things with a trigger just got a new pair of shoes …

alex landeen

When you lose roughly a squillion pounds while on a subsistence diet [of rainbow trout and rice] it’s hard to call yourself a “Fat Guy” anymore. So Alex Landeen got himself a new blog too.

MG signing off (because the jury’s still out on the suit thing)

There are websites, and then there are websites

There are websites that express grace and charm; exemplify the beauty that is what they represent, whether people or products. Often both. The designer laid out the floorplan, laboriously crafted graphical elements galore and then assembled them into a proposal which awed (unbelievably gorgeous!) and shocked (the sticker price!). Retainer secured, they then proceeded to construct.

It took months to insert those graphics into the closed-source content management system the designer chose for the task. And many more months getting the server to boot thereafter.

“This image file must blend with that,” the designer says. “It’ll take no more than twenty-five hours to make it so, after we activate the responsive do-hickeys and modify the sliding whatchamacallits. Which will only take eighty hours. As a fallback we can spread our proprietary (read: built on the last client’s nickel) Javascript widgets across every HTML tag to make it work in IE6.”

“What about iPads and iPhones?” the customer sheepishly inquires.

“We’ll get to that, and it’ll only take an extra seventy hours. Meanwhile, it kinda-sorta renders on the Blackberry Curve right now.”

Two years and six million dollars later a website is launched. And the designer never even stepped foot into the client’s place of business to do it. Why not? Because they are designers. They don’t need to understand requirements such as internal user skills and/or information resources, target audiences, future business plans, and other such nonsense. Their work products are always stunning to the eye, and that is all that matters.

There are websites. Like the one just implemented above, which crashed weekly, resulting in perpetual additional billings to repair and eventually forcing the owner into involuntary bankruptcy. And then there are websites.

This is the latter.

MG signing off (because Paul “Bear” Bryant said small and fast beats big and slow any day, and the internet hadn’t even been invented yet)

How to drastically increasing your website’s bounce rate in three easy steps

Step 1: Construct salacious headlines that are sure to attract visitors to your pages

Step 2: Embed video content on your pages (near the top if possible), making sure that the video player is set to start automatically upon visitor arrival*

Step 3: Wait

*Extra, really important note – You can enhance the bounce rate even more by stuffing a really stupid, contextually irrelevant pre-roll ad into that video content and making sure the volume on the player is set at maximum by default. Additionally, if you don’t have any video content, try an auto-starting audio player – it is nearly as effective.

MG signing off (waiting for someone to tell me I’m not alone)